so i've lost some followers again because i haven't been able to blog for weeks now. ofcourse i feel bad, who wouldn't? but i guess i cant really blame you because you came here for blog posts, and you can't really blame me because right now, i couldn't even bring myself to type this post.
so recently... i was supposed to join the International Lolita Day event held by my friend, Jaja Neko. unfortunately, i wasn't able to go because i had something to do in school. so while i was busying myself with the enrollment procedures, i suddenly received a call from my mom telling me if i was still at school. i told her that it might take me 2 hours or so before i get everything fixed. i also asked her what was wrong, or did i do anything wrong. she told me that i must hurry home after enrolling without telling me why. i became nervous, i kept thinking, something is definitely wrong. that was about past 3 pm.
so i arrived home at 6 pm. before telling me anything they took me to the kitchen and let me drink some water first. after my first gulp they told me the news...
my cousin, who was indeed very dear to me, died 3 pm that day due to heart conditions... it was sudden.
she was 24 years old and 4 months pregnant with their very first child, because just this February she got married and i was her maid-of-honor...
it was heart breaking and mind shattering: my world stopped. my body froze. it's like all the blood from my face drained. i could hear my heartbeat at that very moment. there was complete silence in the house.
all i could do was utter in a feeble voice:
"why? why? why?"
then the tears started rolling. unlike my little sister, who cried buckets and wailed that time, i was more of silently crying in my room. i could feel my cousin's presence throughout my room, which i shared with her just before she got married.
i felt like a lost a sister. i lost a part of myself. i just couldn't accept the fact that my Ate Joy is gone now. i'd never be able to hear her annoyingly contagious laughs, or the way she talks, or see how sweet she is to everyone.
she's gone now.
her funeral was held at our hometown in the province of Nueva Ecija. it's a 4-5 hour drive from Metro Manila. but before heading to her, my mom made sure that she get the best funeral ever.
mom bought her a wedding dress to wear, because the gown she wore on her wedding was just rented. we were against renting her wedding dress, but her soon to be mother-in-law insisted that it would be more practical. practical my ass! and now what?! she'd be able to have her own wedding dress not on her Wedding day but on her FUNERAL DAY!
mom also bought tons of flowers, because she wants to personally decorate Ate Joy's funeral. it was her last time on earth, and the least we could do is shower her with a garden of flowers. i, on the other hand, took care of her photo. we needed a photo to be displayed on top of her coffin, but we couldn't find any available photo of her that wasn't blurred. i told my other cousin, Vanessa (who was much closer to Ate Joy than i was) to get Ate Joy's 2x2 photo. i scanned, resized, edited and printed it. she looked so happy on the photo, as if there were nothing that would take her away from us.
i never thought the day would come that i'd be placing her photo on a frame, only to be displayed on her funeral. i held back all the tears while clutching her wedding dress while on our trip to Nueva Ecija. it just wouldn't sink in.
a lot had happened. i did a lot of things i normally wouldn't have done. every single day dragged on like turtles. it's like the pain just kept on poking me even at my sleep. for a whole week i had trouble sleeping. i'd be awake until morning, thoughts of her running on my mind. it was painfully scary, emotionally scarring maybe.
the night she died, i was too tired so i decided to take a nap. i dunno if i was delirious from all the crying, but i swear someone touched my cheek and held my hand that night. honestly, i was scared as shit. i called my Aunt and told her to sleep beside me. she did, but up until daybreak i couldn't sleep a wink.
i also dreamt of Ate Joy 2 times. in my first dream, i saw her taking care of my little brother, which she used to do before. she looked so normal, so.. alive. my mom told me maybe Ate Joy was just trying to show me that everything will be back to normal.
on my 2nd dream, it was quite meaningful and somehow... scary? i dunno. but all i could remember was seeing Ate Joy sitting on our dining table. my mom was talking to her, telling her something like:
"i hope you liked your funeral, we tried to make it one of the best"
something like that, and Ate Joy was just smiling, she didn't say a word. mom kept on saying something, i couldn't remember what is was, to which Ate joy would just smile to. it's like she's finally bidding me a farewell...
i remember the last time we talked, it was last May 5, during my little brother's birthday celebration. we were sitting on the side of the pool, and she kept hold of my cellphone while i took a swim. we talked about her pregnancy, and i was truly happy that she's finally a future mother. we did the usual, joking, bonding, telling each other stories.
i never thought that would be the last time...
Ate Joy, bakit ang aga mong nawala? bakit masyadong maaga? hindi man lang tayo nakapag usap ulit ng personal... hindi ko pa nakikita anak mo... hindi pa kita nayayakap ulit... ewan ko ba, pero nahihirapan ako. alam kong nahihirapan ka rin, alam kong nasasaktan ka rin. Ate Joy, bakit mo kami iniwan agad? Bakit ngayon na masaya na tayo, na natupad na pangarap mo? ate, mahal na mahal ka namin... wag ka na malungkot ha? alam kong malungkot ka, nakikita ko sa mukha mo... ingatan mo baby mo ha? balita ko Jerry daw pangalan niya. siguro napaka pogi niyan... mana sayo, kasi super ganda mo... i love you ate... hanggang sa muli, alam kong magkikita din tayo...